The TV is Broken

How many parents have used this line: "the TV is broken"?  It seems such an easy fib to elaborate on why your toddler can't watch his favorite programming.  In our case, it's the truth.  The hard drive on our home-made DVR computer died.

So Daddy has been setting up the new computer every evening over the past week.  Jonah sees him programming on the big screen and will point: "TV!", "Elmo!".  No, Jonah.  We're not watching Elmo today.  "iPad!", "Big Bird!".  No, no iPad or Big Bird either.  "Cookie Monster!"  No, the TV is broken!  Then starts the spew of every syllable combination in Jonah's repertoire, just in case he missed something that Mommy and Daddy would agree to.  When at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

Jonah on Yogurt

Mommy likes to take short cuts and save leftover yogurt in a small clear container clearly designed for baby food.  Next thing you know it will be those giant tubs.  Would she serve her favorite wine in a SnoCone?  Of course not!  So how can I be expected to enjoy such a delicacy so improperly presented?

I refused to eat a bite until Mommy had located a proper dish (the disposable kind with pictures of fruit on it), thoroughly washed and disinfected it, and sealed the top with the foil lid (for safety).  That is how yogurt is supposed to be served.  And I ate it all up!

Jonah on Curious George

Mom has been throwing fuzzy little blankets with animal heads into my crib since I was only a few weeks old.  I don't know why she thought I would enjoy having one of these creepy things snuggled up against me while I sleep.  No thank you!

What a relief this Christmas when Uncle Kevin and Lindsay were kind enough to give me a Curious George.  A monkey with legs is a much better friend than body-less bunnies and bears.  I gave him a big hug right out of the box and he's been my sleeping companion ever since.  Before we settle down, I make sure Mommy puts a "didy" (diaper) on George to prevent night-time accidents.  I haven't trained George on the potty yet, but he does ride on the shopping cart and lawnmower!

The Mother of Sore Bottoms!

While I was making dinner Jonah started fussing more and more until he was uncontrollably crying.  Oddly, he screamed even harder when I picked him up to console his tortured little soul.  Sitting at the table seemed to make him even worse, and he refused to eat.  (This is very alarming!)  I suspected some sort of stomach upset and made him sit through dinner before we went up for bath... and found a huge rash in his diaper area.  It was so bad he couldn't even sit in the tub without howling!  I felt so terrible, particularly in the knowledge that picking him up under the bum and sitting him on my lap were causing him pain.

After a little research and a visit to his pediatrician, we finally concluded that the diaper rash was caused by the grapes and raisins we had for snack earlier in the day.  The acidic foods caused a chemical burn on his sensitive little tush.  It's happened before once or twice on rare occasion, though usually smaller and less severe.  I'm so relieved to know the cause so I can help prevent future outbreaks of such a terrible rash.

Playing Well with Other Moms

Please forgive the following, but I need to vent:

Jonah and I were enjoying playgroup when three kids started fighting violently over a toy.  I was the nearest adult and sprang into action, taking the toy away.  One of the mothers says, "we'll handle it".  This didn't register in the midst of the fray and it wasn't until I had removed the offending toy and suggested that the toddlers find another that Alpha-mom repeats, "they're OUR children, WE'LL handle it."  (Oh?  Any of the four adults except me?)  And she proceeded to give her son the first turn with the coveted toy.

Very succinctly, she managed three things:

1. Publicly criticize my response to the situation (and by extension my parenting).
2. Undermine the authority and respect due to any adult in a room full of toddlers.
3. Empower her child to bully the others by acting as his crony.

Way to strike at the heart!  I may have been impressed by the very targeted and calculated attack if I didn't think it came so naturally to her.  I used to give parents a lot of leeway, considering it a parental right.  Now it bothers me, smug moms wielding tyrannical power over everyone under the guise of (authoritarian) parenting.  What happened to "it takes a village"?  And yet I need to respect it.  I'm sure I (unintentionally) do it, too.

I later watched a toddler eat a crayon because I didn't want to intervene.  I only regret the child wasn't hers.

Jonah on Extreme Temperatures

Mommy doesn't always check the temperature of meals like a proper michelin chef should.  Food should be served warm at most, but tepid is perfectly acceptable.  When I show her a spoonful that is on the verge of sublimating before my eyes, she gives it a little blow.  (Daddy says the air flow helps speed the heat transfer.)  Well, her lungs are no match for such extreme temperatures, and she stops after a paltry breath.  I finally gave up holding out my spoon for intervention and learned to blow on my own food.  And I can keep it up until the morsel reaches its ideal room temperature.  But I still alert the chef, "hot hot hot!" so she can think about what she's done.

This evening the bath plunged to an arctic freeze a mere minutes into my hour-long nightly ritual.  Mommy turned on the tap to warm it up, but the stream was scalding hot!  Playing under the cascade meant risk of fourth degree burns.  Well, I knew how to fix this!  I blew on the running water under it cooled down.

Jonah on The Theater

I took Mommy to the theater today.  She spends so much time in front of the computer working, she really needs to get out.  Keep in mind that as far as the kids at school are concerned, she was merely my personal driver and lap.  One must appear privileged while keeping a cool indifference in front of peers.  Melanie came over to flirt, and I was able to give the impression of disinterest while lavishly allowing her to share Mommy's knee for a short while.  Such generosity is not given lightly.

The play, artfully nameless, was performed by the world-acclaimed Pumpernickel Puppet company.  I'm certain a pile of Tonys are hiding behind that magical stage.  The story of a princess befriending an amicable dragon was both cliche and new.  I was completely engrossed.  The performance ended with a dance party attended by some distinguished guests, including a roller-skating martian and giant chicken.  I'm so glad I had practiced my knee-bend dance moves.  Bounce bounce bounce, baby!

Jonah on Water Safety

I had lots of fun splashing and kicking in the pool until Mommy decided it was time for me to practicing floating.  She seems to think that the slogan "back is best" embroidered on my sleep sack extends to the water.  Here's a fact: 10 out of 10 toddlers drown when abandoned by their Mommy in a pool.  No amount of floating is going save a kid from starving to death at the next snack time.  I also didn't want my precious locks to get wet so I grabbed at whatever I could, including Mommy's ears.  I couldn't help but notice that Mommy was keeping her head safely above water level.  No one wants cold, wet hair in the sub-freezing winter temperatures.

I took my own approach to pool safety by directing Mommy over to the ladder.  There I practiced climbing out of the pool, which is a far more useful survival technique.  Once successfully on solid ground I turned and saw Mommy hold out her arms, as if I could just step off the ledge and walk to her over the water.  Absent of any miracle, I had to climb down and sit on the top rung of the ladder where I could reach her.  But only after inspecting the Jonah-sized clock on the pool deck.

A New Exercise Regimen

I almost gave up my gym membership, since it was getting so little use.  Then I was inspired by a working mom, who I ran into on Saturday at my bi-monthly yoga class.  She is a very happy new member, having switched from the Y, which she found crowded and unsafe for her toddler.

For the past several months, I had only worked out on non-busy weekends.  And I felt guilty for it.  Call it a New Year's resolution if you will, but I have finally decided that I should be allowed to do the things I enjoy and not feel guilty for imposing on Daddy's hobbies (computer gaming) while I pursue my own.  Then I reconsidered my dislike of bringing Jonah to the gym: #1 - on our first and last visit, I had only been a mother for a couple months and leaving Jonah with strangers freaked me out, and #2 - the extra fee charged by the half hour, even though tiny, was a huge dis-incentive.  Hooray!  Both of these have been fixed!  1.)  I am now a seasoned mom.  2.)  The childcare now has a low monthly rate, which is a great incentive to go more often.  And it turns out that one of the things I hated about my gym, having to reserve childcare in advance, has turned out to be a huge merit in making the trips part of our weekly schedule.

No, I don't have any guilt over leaving Jonah for 60-90min. twice a week to play with two adults and a room full of kids.  In fact, at home I would likely be over-working and leaving him to play by himself.  This saves us both from my own vices.  So most weeks I manage three workouts: swimming on Tuesday, conditioning on Friday, and yoga on Saturday.  Self-centered bliss.

Starbuck Raccoon

At the library story time, all the babies got to pick an animal to dance with.  Jonah pulled out a raccoon and started calling it Starbuck!